another breakup letter

Dear John,

In life every ending is just a new beginning, every sorrow is a chance for new found happiness, and every lesson learned, is an opportunity to make yourself a better person. So I hope you use us as a lesson, because loving you was an adventure, you were delightfully chaotic, a beautiful mess.

This letter will help you understand why I haven’t spoken to you in months, but if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. You breaking my heart is something I am still not over, I loved you so much, however I realized I would never be able to love you as much as would I miss you. John, you were the kind of person I wanted to be with when I wanted to be alone, but now I think if I were standing beside you, right now, I would shut my eyes until you walked away. I can’t think of anything that would hurt more than knowing I’m not even a whisper in your thoughts, yet you’re screaming in mine.

Lets recap on how we met. It was the summer of my 18th birthday and I went to the beach, I remember my friends, none of them, being able to go. So it was just me and Skylar, my black lab, remember? I can’t recall why my parents agreed to let me stay at our beach house alone, but I do remember the way it smelled; like rain just passed through the coast and fresh cut tulips scattered the tiles and furniture, lingering like a well loved guest in the home. In the morning, the sun would come through my baroque lace curtains at an angle, only hitting the side of my cheek, it was a pleasant way to wake up. I would look around my sea foam colored room with sleep soaked eyes and notice the high tide hugging the sand outside of my balcony window. I lay there for a few more minutes, taking in the soft, squeaking sound of the antique fan above my bed, Skylar would gaze at me and whimper, then wag his tail, but stayed put; knowing better than to force his affection upon me first thing in the morning. But that was the morning I saw you. Getting into my bathrobe, I walked out onto the porch, ocean wind hitting my face, and I saw you. I observed the empty neighborhood street leading up to the boardwalk, it was around 8 in the morning might I add, so most people were still asleep. As a fugacious breeze wafted through the columns and you jogged down the boardwalk, I smiled.

During that time in my life, smiling was not on the list of things I did often. My parents were going through a nasty two year and counting divorce, and I was hearing about it from everyone, but them, so living with separated parents in the same house could be quite bitter at times. But you did something to me that no one could do back then, you caused the efflorescence of my brooding mind, and I am more self aware because of it.

Do you remember asking me what my name was after grabbing my hand at a carnival because you wanted to make one of your ex’s jealous? Of course I later found out your ex’s name was Sophie, and she was in London, studying abroad. I went to that carnival that evening because I had a feeling you were going to be there. I put my hair in rollers and nervously applied blush and mascara, not sure whether to add more or less, and I wore that striped pink sun-dress you loved so much with two inch wedges. I brought Skylar for comfort, and saw you immediately as I walked up the boardwalk, you had your hair slicked to the side in a pomade sort of style, and was wearing a white button up. You saw me look away the moment your gaze met mine for a split second, I blushed and turned toward the giant ferris wheel that towered over me. I suddenly felt a delicate touch to my shoulder, and I turned. I found myself looking at the most beautiful man I had ever seen, your eyes had a vibrancy I, still to this day, cannot even see in an emerald. You smiled and never said anything, all you did was grab my hand and lead me to the ferris wheel in front of us.

On the the rickety seat of the ride that overlooked everything as far as the eye could see, the sun was setting and I could faintly recognize ships sailing along the horizon, from time to time the seat would lean one direction and I would be forced to lean against you. Finally, I asked you what the purpose of this was, you told me you wanted to make an ex jealous. I never believed you, but I just went along with it because you kept making me blush and I forgot about everything I was supposed to be worrying about.

Fast forward two years later, I find another car parked outside of our condo. Thinking it was one of your guy friends from work, I didn’t pay attention. Although when I walked through the front door, my heart stopped, and I don’t think it has ever functioned the same since that day. I saw you with her, she looked just like me which made it even worse. The two of you never noticed me, so I acted like I never noticed you. I walked upstairs, packed a suitcase, and left.

Now, present day I am writing you this to tell you that you broke me. I am writing you this to tell you I am starting my new beginning. I think one writes of scars healed, a loose parallel to the pathology of the skin, but there is no such thing in the life of someone who is forever hurt. The marks of suffering are more comparable to the loss of a finger, or of the sight of an eye. We may not miss them, either, for one minute in a year, but if we should there is nothing to be done about it. And there is nothing to be done about you. I hope you start a new beginning because apparently ours wasn’t the one you wanted enough to hold to.

Regards,

The woman you became bored with